goals..

summer. 

"sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are and where you wanna be. and sometimes, you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself"

. - gossip girl

1. Be true to myself, and get to know myself even better. 

2. Stay in shape! run as much as I can... (would u like to run together? :p) 

3.  Get my standing back tuck, and other dumb tumbling :p 

4. Go to a rediculous amount of skill camps, for soccer and track and such. 

5. Freaking decide where i'm going to school next year. 

6. Re-decorate my room 

7. Eat healthy! 

8. Hang out with everyone a lot! ie. u and shan :]

9. Get a job? 

10.  Read a lot, and have many many borders days! 

11....summer love? :]]] 

12. Try something new

13. Learn to play an instrument

14. Go to an amazing party. 

15. Make memories

16. Get a new camera and take tons of photography. 

17. Travel

18. Spend a lot of time with my brother :( 

19. Make the best of this summer. 

20. Learn and Grow. 

:) 

this summer will be great anj 

we shall make it great

:D 

i'm so freaking excited, 

:]

id be lying if i told you, losing you was something i could handle.

i miss him. 

a lot. 

and it sucks because i used to think it was just garrett 

and the thing with him, but at the same time, i don;t think it was just that, 

i think matt's distancing himself, from me, because i know him so well and i know that 

somethings wrong, somethings been wrong for awhile with him 

but he would never tell me, and i feel like this thing that i have was just an excuse to distance himself from me. 

but if it wasnt, i hope he knows that i would never give him up for garrett. any day. 

i miss him and it sucks but i dont know what to do about it. 

i know this sounds gay or whatever

but its like i lost a part of myself

i lost one of my best friends

and how do i get him back? 

i dont even know. 

=[ 

i want to help him 

and i wantto talk to him

and i just miss him 

i want to go back to the way it was. 

and yeah ive tried to fill the gap 

with gar and dave 

and anyother guy 

but no one is him and no one understands me the wya he does

and it  just sucked. 

100 % i dont know what to do. 

shes fresh to death, she'll be the death of me, seduction leads to destruction.

last nite 

was intense.. 

my brothers. haha. 

so i talked to them about it beforehand and they're like "yeah okay mag, well thats fine but we defenitely need to talk to him for a little bit!" and im like okay but don't say anything too bad. and theyre like okay 

so he gets there and he looks adorable :] haha he kept reminding me of this cute little boy last nite with like a guilty smirk =] but then i went upstairs and they talked to him and then left, and he was seriously freaking out, with i found cute :p and funny , but i calmed him down and we played fooseball in the back room.. and then we were up against the wall and it was great. i was wearing shorts, and a tank with a tshirt over it, but yeah my shirt was up and we were against the wall and he was failing with my bra (As usual). 

but it was still really good :] and cute andd felt really chill and comfortable. 

so then we went upstairs for pizza and it completely felt like he was my boyfriend. 

haha like my parents we're talking to him and stff hahah =p 

then we went back downstairs 

and i was freeezing so i grabbed a blanket and sat on the couch and was like MOVIE TIME! :p 

and so i put on quantum of solace and we were just cuddling and talking 

and holding hands with like little kisses thrown in 

=] 

and then intense time comes... ;p 

i sat on his lap but i mean like really close..and i could feel his boner...hahaa. 

and we starting making out, and then i started grinding on him and he was 

crazily feeling me up but it was good, and then he got super into it, probally from me 

grinding on him.. he loves hips too. and he started moaning and being like 

magg this is so good. hahaa :p. and then he pushed me down on the couch 

and he was on top of me, and we were still really into it

but i was proud of myself and i was like mmhmnoo :p and moved his hand

and he laughed and kept right on kissing me and starting eating my candy necklace;p 

ahh it was just all around good :D 

but i cant let myself get too attached 

because haha i just read tht over... 

and it sounds like we completely like eachother. 

oh baby, what am i getting myself into? 

:p 

the love on your lips, sweetheart, im sorry but your not the first.

so todayy actually turned out to be a really good one :) 

easy day at school, i had a test but it was easy 

and idk everything and everyone was super chill today like no problems :p 

and i really hope you're feeling better about the whole insecurityness/ getting 

annoyed at people and remember that i love you :D 

&* then track was easyyy then i went home with dave

and we hungout and watched a movie and ate dinner

haha and he bugged me about going to the meet with him tomorrow 

:p 

i really like hanging out with dave, we're really good friends :] nd im glad u guys are too. 

altho the him and shan thing is quite stressful, not gonna lie :p 

and im defenitely talking to her on saturday!! 

ahh i am so freaking excited for this weeekend!!! 

i bet u are too :] 

but yeah friday idk if i'm gonna hang out with gar, i feel like that would be too intense 

and we havent been talking as much and eh i dont want him to get used too it and for it to progress to quicky you know? 

like he needs to realize how lucky he is here :p 

i mean its fun and everything, but its not real and i dont want to become too attached and i dont want him to like expect it? u know? :p 

so i think i'm just gonna go to the track meet and chill with dave :] 

but who knows maybe i'll change my mind :p 

idk i just dont want guys to see me like that? do u know what  i mean... :p 

and then saturday im hanging out with shan shan and i wish u could comeee =[ 

but we shall miss u dearly and i will defenitely fill you in on all our convos :D 

then sunday!!!! 

the best day of all, your confirmation my dear. i am so freaking excited :D 

i lovee you babe and you're gonna do great!! 

=]]

no matter what i do, i always forget to forget you.

hi, i loved these graphics.

god i just love graphics posts

they are seriously the best things ever.

actually just you know graphics in general are the best.

and how ive missed good old blogging..

probally be doing a lot of it

tonight and tomorrow..seeing as i have the wonderful, crappy, flu.

hahaa.

but yesh. things are eh, good i guess, besides having the stupid flu

matts good.

the mile suckedddddddddddd. but its over with :)

this weekends gonna be good...i can feel it. can we please do something friday?! like a girl hangout maybe, or a me, you, shan thing. because i feel like i havent seen you guys that much.

have you ever felt like some stuff in your life is coming together so perfectly

and then some other stuff in your life is just so messed up?

i dont know why.

but i always feel like that.

especially right now.

like sometimes. stuff is going great and i feel happy and sunshiney

and then other times it's like i want to explode..

ps: listen to this song; passion play- william fitzsimmons

i'm unusually hard to hold on too.

like anj said. 

the rain matched my mood today

blah, blah blah. 

but surprising

weirdly ?? 

track made me feel better, 

idk maybe i'm going delusional. 

maybe i just feel better when i actually accomplish things

haha =p 

like seriously last quarter was sincerly out of control

grades = fail

sports = fail

so this quarter i'm gonna really try to do way better in track/school 

and not slack like i always do. 

oh and speaking of getting in control

i seriously need to vow to get in control of my life

like realllyyy :p 

of course i shall still be spontaneous but u know :) 

and the title; i'm unusually hard to hold on tooo :]

refers to of course you know who

therefore we work because if i get sick of him, it'll be all good :p 

movingg on. 

i seriously hate when people drift. 

its so bothersome 

=p

but whatever for now im just gonna be whatever 

with him, and this time, i'm not even gonna try to fix it 

because i'm sick of playing stupid pointless games with people 

(especially him) 

and i'd rather use my time on people who actually appriciate me, you know?? 

mehpants. 

also, i've discovered an issue. 

so you know how my self esteem kinda fails? :p

well it hasnt been tooo badd lately but i find my self

craving garrs approval

which is muy bad, because i dont wanna put my self worth in guys

and especially not him, kinda defeats the purpose of benefriends :p

but the reason its been weird is because i havent felt 

bad about my appearence neccesarily lately 

but i've felt like crap about my personality 

like i'm not interesting or nice or funny 

you know =[ 

most likely the reason is because i feel like gar 

only appriciates me for what i look like :p

i dont know, hopefully i'll get overr it. 

alrite well 

i'm a rambler

as usual 

=p 

i lovee you so much; 

maggs. 

the inside lingo had me at hello.

highlight of the day: seeing you and shan and both sarahs =] and track being cancelled! 

lowss: hicky nonsense, people being odd. =p oh yeah and FREAKIN SCHOOL =p

so my day was okay

we made it through the worse anj. 

thank the lord. 

seriously this day seemed terribly long

and i dont know, some people seemed weird, 

matt for instance :p ever since he ditched us monday hes been gayy 

as anythingg :p 

but whatever, hes probally in one of his dumb mooods again. 

so anj, i wanted to tell you how much i loveee you :) 

and i appriciate you and honestly dont know what i would do without you 

i can tell you anything and i pretty much do ;] 

you encourage me so much and help me out soo much 

and you are suchh a good friend. 

and i hope i can be just as good as a friend too you too =]

=D

this is what happens when i have too much time.

i think too much about things. 

i think this is a problem

i'm seriouslyy insane. 

=p

but its okay its whatever. 

so the garrett thing. 

idon't wanna become too dependent 

because we talk ALL the time 

and all. 

but idk i defenitely don't have his heart 

and he doesnt nor do i want him to have mine. 

so i try to keep it completely superficial/benefriend releted 

when we talk 

so i dont get to know him and fallfor him 

=p or u know vice versa. 

haha. 

but its still hard. we have this weird realationship

but i think as long as i chill and not think about it too hard

im completely fine 

yet this is hard, i know im crazy

i sorta love blogging 

im doing it more :) 

and u better too 

because regardless of what you say anj, u are inspiring, you inspire me everyday, and you defenitely have things to write about. 

i feel helpless sometimes, this world is just crazy, and i wish i was more in control

which is why the gar thing is good, because thts one thing i am in control ofyou know. 

but i suppose thts a hell of a lot harmless than an eating disorder or somthing like tht. 

i just dont know .

i dont want it to get too out of hand tho 

keep it fun and not to serious, 

i think  i should probally stop him at this stage for awhile 

because if i go farther than this 

i know im gonna get attached, more than i already am at this point anyway, seriously whenever i hear a playlistsong it reminds me of him =p

and i feel like things are changing too.... like its almost summer

and the years winding down

and some people like matt are goingto different schools next years 

and maybe i am too ? i dont know, ill save that decision for another time defenitely :p 

thats what i mean about feeling out of control. 

i love change

and at the sametime i hate it . 

dear lord, im insane. 

maggs.