Let's start out by starting over, what did I expect?

please stop looking at me like that,

you're breaking my heart

it's 2:30 a.m, and i'm wide awake, writing again.

my life had been tres crazy, i haven't written for days :(

(which as we discussed anj, could be part of the problem)

so idk remember your post "fate is a cruel and cold hearted whore"?

and the way you said that you put your self worth in boys...

well i felt the effects of that the other night...oh how i wish you were here so i could explain and demonstrate of course :p all of this to you in person my dear :p. but it's okay this shall do.

anywayss.

well i was with garr and matt, but mostly gar like the whole night. and he was just giving me a lot of attention, and stuff like that (i could tell he wanted to hook up :pp) but anyway it made me so completely happyy (probally cause i like him...) and i got home and i was in suchh a good mood! I was like singing and laughing and such, and my self esteem was like bam really high :p haha. and this was all because of what? a new outfit? nopee, my hair looked good? negative, a book that made me feel good? de nada. NONE of those things it was because of a stupid Boy!!

one that probally doesn't even like me, probally just wants to hook up with me!!

god, i wish he liked me :[ and you know what? when he's around me he truly acts like he does.

but you know how i can tell he doesnt truly truly like me (correct me if im wrong here..)

he doesn't really know me anj. yeah we were really good friends before, we were like me and matt, not as close, but we knew a lot about eachother, but he doesn't really know me that well and you know? i dont think he really cares....like he knew my grandpa died this week , but did he ask how i was doing , if i was okay? not even once anj, all i got was "oh that sucks a load.." but i gtg! okay so maybe i'm being harsh....? am i ? yeah that stuff is a all based off aim/facebook. In person we did talk about stuff, like legit stuff, but i mean still... idk i'm just confused.

And heres the thing, im not opposed to hookups, not at all, i think theyre fun and everything :]

but i'm also not stupid, and i know that i like him (yeah ill admit it :p) and i know, as a girl, and knowing myself, the more physical we got, the more attached I would get. But guys arent like that, and then he would be using me and that would suck.

so therefore

meh. i dont know what to do. and ughhhhh.

help ?

help?

hahaa.

im so freaking confused, and there's no way i'm letting freakin GARRETT COLIN CORDOVA JOHNSTON thee fag :p hurt me! haha.

creeep.

i want control.

i want a perfect body,

i want a perfect soul."

-Creep; Radiohead.

so.

im offically the biggest creep in the world.

aehfker fvdghrfsd vbjhfdj

l i k e f o r r e a l.

mehpants, there wasnt anything interesting of course, but still i'm a sad

sad person for doing that :p haha.

can u just imagine if we were going out? hahaa, i could like find out if he was talking to other girls and such :p hehe. of course i wouldnt tho, im not the jealous type (just the curious type) and i dont think hes the cheating type.

anyway,

so my day kinda sucked :p haha.

it was bleary and dreary :/ chapel wasnt bad, haha ao's cute awkwardness.

so i think he might kinda like m e? he shows the signs of it (the imature signs) haha im a boy expert :p but who knows he could just be a weirdoo. mhmm and then i felt like crap

and then i fell into a puddle :p 

haha woo hoo cool day :p 

i might stay home tomorrow :D or maybe just come in after doctrine (so i miss my quiz? :] ) 

horrayyy :D 

i shall finish this later maybe? 

sorry its oh so short. 

i love u !

Looking at you, holding my breath, for once in my life i'm scared to death.

don`t count the days;;make the days count.

So I took a shower and completely calmed down and have now come to a few decesions (wooo finallyy :D) so here we go :]]

one: garrettt.

I was looking through my blog posts, deleting my drafts and such and i came across the one titled "ive gone crazy from the moment i met you." It was a good one and i finished it, but never posted it cause i couldnt find the graphic i wanted, but i'm pretty sure you read it, anyway i was reading over it and found this paragraph,

"so i dunno, i kind of like some guys, or i think i do, its an off and on thing :p but i don't wanna get attached to a guy or obsess over him or anything haha which is why i'm kinda keeping to myself :p I mean to be honest, I like to flirt ! haha and I really like boys and having fun with them. So if I can find a boy, who really likes me and wants to have fun and doesnt want problems, ill take him pleasee :D haha good luck ? :p Obviously i dont want a perfect one (haha impossible!) but just a good one. And when it comes to boys, I've kinda learned to listen to my heart and not other people because honestly only you know who you like, other people cant and wont know how you feel, sometimes you like a person for a reason you can't explain and even if he's a mistake, sometimes it's worth making :D "'

um wow, wow, wow. This is perfect advice, and it came from myself haha. :pp, I think i give good advice to my friends and such, and one of my new years resolutions was to take my own advice, so here i go :] This is what i'm gonna do with gar, its settled.

two : myself

Alright, so as you know i have a little bit of a self esteem issue sometimes, and i was feeling like total crap today before i got in the shower, one thing i hate about myself is my arms, i think theyre ugly and hairy haha and etc etc. Yet today when we were in gym, i was sitting next to shan and she was like "ugh my arms are so hairy, eww." and i looked at them (having never noticed them before) and they looked exactly like mine and they were completely fine and pretty. I always thought people really notice my flaws yet when it comes down to it, your really the only one who does, you know? So i was thinking about this before i got in the shower, so in the shower i decided to try this self esteem exercise i heard about. So i looked at my body, and admired and complimented every part i liked (turns out to be more than u think..) and i accepted my flaws and even tried to say something nice there too. IT really really helped and make me feel really happy, i defenitely suggest you try it .

So as you can see i'm in a much, much. much better wayy more peaceful moood.

and im loving myself :D

Never cry at night over not being pretty enough. Never tell yourself you'll never be good enough.Because to someone, you're everything. To someone, you're gorgeous. To someone you are the world.

"You've got to fight for what you believe in. You have to finish what you start." --- Jackie Kennedy

"imperfection is beauty. madness is genius.& its better to be absolutely ridiculous thanto be absolutely boring, & when it comes down to it, i let them think what they want.if they care enough to bother with what i dothen im already better than them"

i don't want your heart to bleed, because your heart is all i need.

so i love that quote. and some people do make me feel like that:

Friends, like you anja: you picked me up so many times when I'm down, you've inspired me, and encouraged me, you've been there for me so much, you've made me laugh and cry, i've told you things i can't tell anyone else, and we've just had so much fun together :] and you know me so well.

matt: me and him are basically the same person. He's my best friend, and he really has always been there. We talk for ever, and i know the kid would do anything for me, weirdly we have a lot of the same interests :p haha like twilight, and i love him to death :]

ahh there's so many other, but i shall write about them later :p

then there's guys that make me feel that way,

its like with them i can be myself and i feel so free, and i just wanna lay there in their arms forever :] but then other times i don't liek them. I am the most confusing person in the world. My feeling are hot and cold (theyre yes then theyre no, there in then there out, there up and there down!") <--- haha had too :p. Seriously tho, they are, its crazy and annoying :p

and now for a random survey in the middle of my post? haha.:

touchy feely survey.by xsurveyystationn.

keep my tag on, por favor

how fast do you fall?

hmm it depends on the guy, but pretty fast :p

.are you single, or taken? or is it complicated?

oh its complicated :p haha not im single.

is it tacky to listen to music while getting intimate?

nah its fine.

bold the letters of all the people's first names that you have kissed.

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

do you like a chase?

umm yeah i do :p haha but not for too long.

what song makes you think of your current (or last) honey?

the towns been talking- the maine,

we can make this count - boys will be boys

who taught you the most about love?

hmm probally books and stff :p haha and just being in realationships and watching other peoples.

also, jesus christ, thts real love..

how many relationships have you been in?

hah, i dont evenn know.

how does that number relate to how many times you've been in love?

yeah ive been in love :p but mostly just puppyydog haha.

what makes someone cute?

depends on the guyy :p

.sexy?

a bodyy :] and sexy eyes. :]

irresistible?

the way he holds you and kisses you, the way he smiles, when his arms feel amazing around you :]

do you celebrate monthaversaries?

nahhh,

what's the cutest thing your significant other could do for you?

surprise me with flowers, write me a song, always want me to be there for him and him being there for me :]

is kissing in the rain romantic to you?

yeah sometimes :]

.can you trust a cheater?

mmmh nope unless they really change.

do you like aggressive or innocent kisses?

both :D

do you bite?

haha mm not really :p

have you ever "played the field?"

duh :p

.would you rather have breakfast, lunch, or dinner as a date?

alll haha.

do you ask your current relationshipee about their past dating experiences?

hmm sometimes if it comes up.

have you ever planned who you were going to date next if your current boyfriend was to dump you?

haha nahh, im usually too head over heels, besides i dont always need to be dating :p

when you talk about your "first kiss," is it your first peck, or first french?

peck.

what's the best gift a s/o has given you?

a poem :]

have you ever thought you loved someone, when you really just liked being in a relationship?

oh psh. most of my boyfriends were like that.

is pda gross?

no! haha

can you count how many boyfriends you've had on two hands?

mmm probally :p

when it comes to relationships, are you an introvert or extrovert?

suree? haha

can you still get butterflies in your tummy after a long time of dating?

yess :D

anywayyy : p haha.

"and maybe your gonna be the one that saves me.."

all right, i'm gonna be truly honest with you, I like him. but i really don't wanna admit it :p haha

because

1. I don't think he likes me.

2. I'm afraid of what people would think of me if we went out :p haha.

3. I just idk :p

"So let's say that theoretically I really like him & theoretically, even though it sounds moronically cliche & overused, he gives me butterflies. & just for kicks, let's add that, all in theory of course, he may be one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. & hypothetically, my heart beats ten times faster when I see him."

haha, not exactly how i feel :p i'm not in love with him or anything but i do like him, don't ask me why, i know he;s weird, and can be annoying, and is desperate and all of tht, haha. But for some reason i just like him, I like talking to him, i like being close with him, i like his personality, ahh.

I'm a mess. and this is a mess. :p

and yeah i wanna be fearless with him, i wanna stay in his arms and talk to him forever,

but i cant, somethings holding me back,

care to tell me what it is?

I hate myself for liking him

i am a freak end of story.

I've gone crazy from the moment I met you.

"Boys are dangerous. " 

Like they really are. to me anyway.

I can be really challenged when it comes to guys, idk why.

I just want the perfect one. But every guy who has potential seems to ruin it

in one way or another.... My friend taylor has this issue. It's like she loves loves loves a guy, and she obsesses over them and talks to them and flirts with them and all. Then when they start to like her, its like Bam! she doesnt like them anymore and they get annoying and stff, and i can be like tht too alot... but i don't want to be! haha because its like you teasee a guy insanely and then they like you and you stop which is el badd :p

so i dunno, i kind of like some guys, or i think i do, its an off and on thing :p

but i don't wanna get attached to a guy or obsess over him or anything haha which is why i'm kinda keeping to myself :p I mean to be honest, I like to flirt ! haha and I really like boys and having fun with them. So if I can find a boy, who really likes me and wants to have fun and doesnt want problems, ill take him pleasee :D haha good luck ? :p Obviously i dont want a perfect one (haha impossible!) but just a good one. And when it comes to boys, I've kinda learned to listen to my heart and not other people because honestly only you know who you like, other people cant and wont know how you feel, sometimes you like a person for a reason you can't explain and even if he's a mistake, sometimes it's worth making :D

so remember that, and remember boyss are stupid, and they suck a lot, and they can love us, or they can like us or they can loathe us, but as long as we're in control, who cares? we can move on or stay and have fun :D

never let a boy control ur emotions !

:"D

(this is the post tht inspired me :]] ) 

You dont know me, you don't wear my chains...

25 things you really don't know about me:

1. Every song on my ipod (past tense) meant something to me, it reminded me of someone or something in my life. It legits makes me cry that I lost it .

2. I've gone through a ridiculous amount of shit in my life and it's the reason, i am who i am today. It sucks because a lot of people judge me for it.

3. I have a huge secret that bothers me all the time. Only my family knows, i can't talk about it and i wish i could. It kills me sometimes.

4. You know the song, "Hot & Cold" by Katy Perry? I'm like that with boys, so much, and it's not good. Boys make me crazy. haha.

5. I'm kind of an attention whore, like I don't need attention all the time or anything like that, but sometimes I do things because I know people will give me attention.

6. I suck at saying no, especially to guys. This is such a problem and has gotten me into trouble and i really need to learn how to fix it.

7. I'm a perfectionist in how I look and My self confidence is horrible a lot of the time. If someone says they dont like how I look blah blah, or makes me change, i will take a hour trying to figure out what to do, and then feel like crap. I hate it,

8. I dress semi sluttly because it makes me feel better about myself, because I get attention and think I look pretty. I know how sad this is, but it;s true, and I've never admitted that before.

9. I feel like everyone hates me, and I doubt myself...unless i'm sure that someone likes me, i will automatically think they hate me.

10. I don't think I could ever be skinny enough or perfect enough, I would still find a flaw.

11. I put on a facade a lot. You know the line in the song "shattered", "All I can feel is the realness I'm faking.." sometimes I'm like that but it's because I need to be. I need to be strong because I've been torn down so much.

12. I didn't eat for a week straight once. and I've made myself throw up before...I don't have an eating disorder but sometimes I think about it.

13. I honestly don't see why people like me sometimes.

14. I trust people way too easily, but I'm finally learning who's trust worthy and who's not.

15. Having mono was the worst time of my life, I went into a depression and lost one of my best friends. Lydia hangs out with sarah and rachel now, and they all have stupid nicknames like we did, and I feel like i've been replaced. It's the worst feeling in the world.

16. I like boys who act like they don;t like me , or act like they do and then ignore me. I don't like boys who so very obviously like me, or ones I can walk all over.

17. I feel like i always need to be right and tend to argue a lot.

18. I would honestly do anything for my friends, but not half as much for my family... haha.

19. I really wish I was more outgoing.

20. I've never told anyone any of this before..

maggs.